We were never promised an easy life. One without pain or hardship, suffering or grief.
Life can be really beautiful. But it can also be really dark and ugly and devastating.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
Proverbs 16:9

The night before he died, in September of 2018, Chase and I began Freedom Session (https://freedomsession.com/about/) together. During the day before he died, I was doing some of the homework and had to answer the question of what my greatest fear is – it was of him or my other loved ones dying. That night my greatest fear came true. I didn’t continue Freedom Session.

Last year, however, I continued my healing journey. I took the brave step of starting Freedom Session again. I walked into night one, only this time without him. I faced the same questions of my greatest fears, only without his name on the page. And week after week, I showed up, digging up the muck and mire of my fragile heart.

It’s hard having to be honest with yourself (and others) about the ugly state of your sinful heart and mind. It’s hard acknowledging the ways in which you’ve been hurt, and taking responsibility for the ways you have hurt others. It’s hard working through the steps of recovery.
Being honest and surrendering is hard. But so is living a life of hurt, bitterness, and resentment.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.

The Serenity Prayer – Reinhold Niebuhr

Over the past year I feel like I’ve related to the Psalm of David, “How long, O Lord?… How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?” (Psalm 13). But, as I’ve said in the past, I’m learning to sit with those feelings. To be okay with the uncomfortable. To not just try and run from the hurt, but to actually work through it. And I’m finding those on this journey who are willing to bare witness to it as well. I’ve gained comfort in the fact that there are others working through their own muck, and have been blessed with a few friendships where honesty and vulnerability are always accepted, and where Truth is proclaimed.
I have been blessed to have people in my life that remind me of God’s Goodness and Faithfulness, when I have a hard time seeing it myself.

Psalm 13 isn’t all questioning. It ends with, “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me” ( vs. 5&6).
Remember.
Remember God’s Goodness and Faithfulness.
And have people in your life to remind you when you forget.

The heart is fickle. But God remains Good.