When Chase first died a friend came over, jumped into bed with me and looking at me asked, “Shan, how do you look so good?” I chuckled and said, “I don’t. But thank you.” I’ll never forget it. I really didn’t think I looked good – I’m sure my eyes puffy and red from crying and little sleep. Wearing my glasses and no makeup on. But what I’ve come to realize a year out is that I probably did look okay. Because when she saw me then I was the same Shannon I was before Chase died – devastated and broken for sure, but more or less the same, healthy-ish me.

When they say loss and grief change you, I don’t think it’s all at once when your loved one dies. It’s a slowly chipping away at all that you were. As each day, month, year passes, you get further and further away from who you were before.

The weight of grief is heavy. Restless nights slowly take its toll. Poor eating choices to give energy for lack of sleep, or fill a void, eventually result in unhealthy habits.

I struggle with the changes. I often don’t like who I’ve become. Forgetful. Easily distracted and unable to focus. Less tolerant than I used to be.

I’ve been acquainted with suffering.

Through this loss, however, I’ve become more like Jesus. Not in my forgetfulness and irritability, but in how I now relate to those who suffer, who experience loss. Who hurt. Who are brought low.

“He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭53:3‬ ‭NKJV

There is a depth of darkness I now understand. And the greater the darkness, the brighter the Light. I have a greater understanding of Jesus – of my need for Him, than I did before Chase died. I have greater love for Him, for all He’s done.

Because of this, I deeply desire to know Him. To really know who this Saviour is – who sustains me in my darkest hour. Who gives Joy amidst the deepest pain. And Hope in my devastation. I actually care to know the Truth. And further, to defend it.

There is a Good God. A creator. Who deeply desires to be in relationship with you. The entire Bible is filled with stories of reconciliation. How God sent a Saviour when we could do nothing on our own. Undeserving. He came. He did it.

The Bible is true. Start there.